From Appetizer to Main Dish: Taking Control of Midlife Dating
From my experiences on the dating apps, I've noticed many first and second dates revolve around meals. And that got me thinking—there’s a lot we can learn about our place in someone’s life by comparing ourselves to different courses in a meal.
Understanding Your Role: Appetizer, Side Dish, or Main Course?
When we’re meeting someone new and exploring several potential connections, it can feel like we’re an appetizer—yummy and appealing, but being shared among multiple people. Then maybe we move up to a side dish—still present and enjoyable, but not truly central to their life. You like them, they like you, but they could “take it or leave it” without much thought.
At some point, you want to know that you’ve become the main dish. And this is especially important in midlife dating and beyond. Let’s be honest: we don’t have decades and decades to spend being someone’s appetizer or side dish. Time is precious, and our emotional energy is valuable.
Being the main dish doesn’t automatically mean marriage or merging every aspect of your lives. Many people in midlife are choosing partners with flexibility—because of prior marriages, children, finances, or other life complications. The goal is to be valued, considered, and included in the important parts of each other’s lives without unnecessary games or delays.
Recognizing the Signs: Are You Still the Appetizer or Side Dish?
Here’s how to spot where you stand:
Appetizer:
Dates are casual, brief, or convenient, rather than meaningful.
You feel like one of several options.
Little to no follow-up or effort after dates.
You’re doing most of the chasing or planning.
Side Dish:
You’re included, but not prioritized.
Weekends, trips, or important plans happen without your input or you.
Your feelings or experiences aren’t fully acknowledged.
You’re liked, but not truly “needed” in their life.
Main Dish:
They consistently make space for you in their life.
Plans, vacations, and weekends are discussed and shared and you’re invited.
Your thoughts and feelings are valued and considered.
There’s mutual effort, respect, and a sense of partnership.
Practical Tip for Midlife Dating: Around six weeks in or when you feel ready, take stock of your role. If you’re still in appetizer or side dish territory, it’s time to either communicate your needs or reevaluate the connection. Being the main dish means you’re getting your fair share of attention and consideration—without sacrificing your independence or realistic expectations.
Midlife Dating: Time to Prioritize Yourself
As we navigate dating in midlife, especially dating after 50, it's essential to acknowledge that time is precious. If you've been seeing someone for a couple of months and still feel like an afterthought, it's time to evaluate whether this relationship aligns with your desires and needs.
Setting Boundaries and Communicating Needs
Effective communication is key in any relationship. Clearly expressing your expectations and boundaries ensures that both partners are on the same page, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling connection.
Recognizing Red Flags: When to Reevaluate a Relationship
It's important to be aware of signs that may indicate the relationship isn't progressing as it should. If your partner consistently makes you feel secondary or unimportant, it may be time to reconsider the relationship's potential.
Embracing Your Worth: You Deserve to Be the Main Course
Remember, you deserve to be the main focus in a relationship. Embracing your worth and setting standards ensures that you attract partners who value and prioritize you. One way to increase your self-worth is to begin a positive self-talk practice.
In my own dating this year, I’ve seen firsthand how easy it is to slip into the appetizer or side dish role without even realizing it. Midlife dating comes with its own unique challenges—past marriages, kids, careers, and emotional baggage or unresolved trauma—but it also offers clarity about what we truly want and deserve. That’s why I often recommend Megan Logan’s Self-Love Workbook for Women - it’s a great guide for building self-compassion, challenging self-doubt, and embracing your strengths.
Seeing a therapist can also be incredibly helpful as you navigate midlife dating. Old fears, patterns from past relationships, or anxiety about being alone often surface in these new connections. Working through those feelings equips you to recognize when you’re being valued—and when you’re not—and helps you step confidently into the main dish role you deserve. At this stage in life, it’s about quality, respect, and genuine connection—not rushing into marriage or overcomplicating things.
The key is to prioritize yourself, your feelings, self-love, and your time, so that when you commit your heart, it’s to someone who truly treats you like the main dish.
